Simply put a % sign after your age to see how dead you are.

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I was in Glasgow and walked past a building that said it was a "battered women's Centre" Fuck me, those Scots will deep fry anything.

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How do you torture a homosexual? Throw him into a bottomless pit!

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Never trust anyone who can spell gonnorhea correctly on the first attempt.

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All women are bi. It's just a matter of figuring out whether she's bipolar or bisexual.

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Knock knock. Who's there? Doorbell repairman.

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Asked my girlfriend if we could use toys in the bedroom. You should off seen her face when i put my scalelectrics set across her tits.

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Argentina have said that if England beat them in the World Cup, they will remove all the keys from every tin of corn beef in retaliation.

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My friend gave me an elephant for my room. ' Thank you, ' I said. ' Don't mention it, ' he replied.

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I walked into the takeaway and said "cod and chips twice" The bloke behind the counter said "I heard you the first time"

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Why's everyone so excited about King Charles being on bank notes? Most of them have had charlie on them since the 1980s.

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When i was thirteen my mum caught me wanking and she slapped me across the face. Then my dad caught me smoking and he made me smoke forty cigarettes one after the other. Glad he never caught me wanking.

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We were on a plane and the guy next to us started to be sick, so I got a paper bag ready. "Thanks", he said as I put it over my wife's head.

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I know this nigger and his name is John. I call him blackjack.

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The French team got stuck in tonight. Most of them were black and bleue

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Just found out that cock fighting is done with chickens..... That was 8 months of training fucking wasted.

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"Mummy Mummy Billy's spewed up". "So what"? "Johnny's getting all the big pieces".

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Andy Burnham says Ann Widdecombe’s death requires a serious review of MPs’ security. That review will be reviewed by a subcommittee, overseen by a select committee and referred to an independent commission on political toxicity. Its conclusion will be that the locks were adequate, but whiteness somehow got through the window.

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Butler: "It's Spain and it's 16 years in the waiting" Andrew Mountbatten Windsor: "Fabulous. Can you charter the flight and get them to the island by the weekend?"

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Black people use hot sauce on everything to develop a tolerance against pepper spray for when the time comes. The Irish unsuccessfully attempted to adopt the same technique with small bullets and work their way up for when the troubles came.

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This bloke who murdered Ann Widdecombe. Any chance of giving him Starmer's new address?

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If you can spell Tertiary Syphilis, chances are you don't have it.

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Ann Widdecombe murder: police investigate possibility killer was a lefty, as her skull was caved in on the right side.

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Joan of Arc was a French teenager who battered the opposition for years. Lamine Yamal only took 90 minutes

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I looked up my family tree online. Turns out my great great great great great Grandad was a slave trader in the 19th Century. Quite a lucrative occupation, it seems. He was on a six nigger salary.

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I know it's terrible what has happened to Anne, but has anyone checked in on Josh?

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I was watching the football and noticed that there's far too many whites on the pitch. We need to protest against whites stealing all the black people's jobs. It's disgusting. Whites shouldn't be televised. What is apartheid even for?

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The Met Office weather map is now permanently dark red. Yesterday it was 22 degrees in Slough and three interns had to be sedated.

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